Birthday Ache
by Mertz
Summary: Allura hosts a birthday party for her favorite commander, Keith. DotU version of characters.


**Birthday Ache**

The story behind this story is, for the first time, I agreed to do KAEX gift exchange. Each person submits a story for another person on the exchange based on one of their prompts and everyone is supposed to try to guess who the writer is. Trick is, my writing style is too well known, so I hid behind the alias, Artemis. I also had my friend help me convert the story into past tense to hide myself a bit more. Not sure how well it worked.

Anyway, when I received my prompts, the first thing out of my mouth was, "Well, shit…"

The first two prompts I've done multiple times and the third one didn't interest me at all. What to do, what to do? Well, I have a friend that had a great concept for a story that would cover one of the prompts, but she hasn't gotten the story written in the last five years. So, I asked to borrow the concept and she said yes. This isn't exactly what she planned out and maybe one day she'll actually write her version of it and get it posted. I've only been waiting five years so far…

That being said, she gets co-writing credit for this story for letting me borrow the concept and helping me change it over into past tense to try to hide myself from the KAEX crew.

Without further ado, I present Birthday Ache. A short story by myself and my good friend, Ailee Nolitari.

I make no claims to Voltron or any other WEP character.

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"Keith, you have to do something about this party tonight."

His concentration broken, Keith looked up from his data-pad and glared at Lance, "I'm not the one that told the princess about my birthday."

"I didn't tell her the date. She got it from Garrison."

"You mentioned it was coming up then she asked for it."

"I didn't think she would plan a big formal dinner!"

Keith snorted and looked back down at his data-pad, "So you have to get dressed up for one night, live with it."

He heard Lance groan, "Come on, I hate wearing that uniform. Damn material makes me itch."

"Should have thought of that before opening your big mouth," Keith said as he looked up to glare at his lieutenant again.

"Can't you send me out on patrol or something?"

This time, Keith smiled, "If I have to suffer through this dinner party, so do you."

"Bastard."

"You know it. Now, get out of here so I can finish my work."

He listened to Lance grumble under his breath some more until the door closed behind him. Almost the perfect revenge, Keith smiled to himself and returned his attention to his data-pad.

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Hair brushed back, Keith glanced at himself in the mirror. His hair skimmed past his shirt collar. He could use a haircut, but who had the time? He picked up his jacket from the back of a chair, pulled it on, and buttoned it. One more check in the mirror. The medals on his chest gleamed, which made Keith grimace. Lance wasn't the only one that hated wearing this stuff.

He glanced at his watch and headed for the door. Time to get it over with. Next time Lance opened his big mouth, he would regret it. He would put his fist through it to shut him up for a long time. When Keith entered the dining room, he found the other men all standing near the windows looking equally uncomfortable.

As he approached, he asked, "What's up?"

"Cap, this thing barely fits," Hunk grumbled as he yanked the hemline of his suit coat over his hips.

"That's because you keep taking two desserts," Pidge retorted and dug his elbow into Hunk's chubby side.

Keith tried to soothe him, "It's only for a couple hours, big guy."

"Look at it this way, Hunk," Lance suggested, "It's a great way to start your diet. If you eat too much, you'll pop all the buttons."

Hunk fisted his hands but didn't retaliate because Princess Allura walked into the room at that moment and the men exhaled a collective gasp. Dressed in a form-fitting navy blue evening gown that hugged her figure and emphasized her assets, a bright smile slipped across her face as she approached them, "Good evening, gentlemen. Don't you all look so handsome in your uniforms?"

A few mumbled responses. Those sapphire eyes moved to him, "Happy birthday, Keith."

Keith forced himself to breathe again and replied, "Thanks, Princess."

She clapped her hands together, "This will be so much fun. The musicians will be here shortly. We'll have music, good food and perhaps…" Her eyes flashed with excitement, "…some dancing."

Dancing? Maybe it would be a good night. Keith felt himself begin to relax for the first time all day.

"Ah, good, I see we have all gathered."

Coran approached, "Happy birthday, Commander. If we can all be seated, we can begin the festivities."

Keith started for his normal chair at the end of the table only for Allura to take his hand and lead him to the middle seat. She pulled out the chair, "You must take the seat of honor."

"Uh, Princess."

Her smile grew as she waited. It was clearly not an argument he would win. Keith took a deep breath and sat down. Allura sat beside him and smiled at him again. Okay, for that smile, Keith could handle being the center of attention for one night.

The doors to the kitchen opened and Nanny led out the serving women. Keith inhaled the delicious scent of the soup placed in front of him and lifted his spoon. Maybe this wouldn't be too bad after all.

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Finished with his meal, Keith set down his fork, leaned back in his chair, and closed his eyes while he listened to the string trio playing in the corner of the room. What a great meal, good company, and even the music was fantastic. He wouldn't complain if Princess wanted to do this for his birthday again next year. It was well worth having to get all dressed up.

"Is everyone finished?"

Keith opened his eyes and glanced to his side at Allura. She smiled at him while standing. "I have a surprise for you."

"The dinner was enough, Princess."

"Oh, this is a pleasure. I don't get to bake often."

Keith froze in his chair, "Bake?"

The door to the kitchen opened once again and Nanny wheeled out a cart and handed it off to Allura. She brought it over to him, "Yes, I baked your birthday cake."

The music stopped with a screech of strings and the sound of something hitting the floor reverberated in the room. Keith glanced over at the red-faced musician who bent over to pick up her cello. The music began again, the soft strains filling the stunned silence at the table.

He forced his attention back to Allura and said, "You really shouldn't have gone to the trouble, Princess."

She waved the cake server in the air, "Oh tosh, your birthday is special and it deserves to be celebrated."

Keith glanced around the table to find the rest of his men sharing panicked glances. How the hell would they get out of this one?

"Well children," Coran started as he set his napkin down and stood, "this old man has had enough excitement for one evening. I'll leave you to your celebration."

"You don't want a slice of cake, Coran?" Allura asked, holding up a plate.

He reached for the cake, "I'll take it with me and enjoy it in the privacy of my rooms."

Coran smiled at the rest of the men, "Have a good evening."

Evil bastard. He was going to toss it in the trash at the first opportunity. Keith stared at the plate Allura placed in front of him. It looked like chocolate cake. God only knew what it would taste like. He passed the plate to Lance, who continued passing it around the table.

"Keith, that was your slice."

With a forced smile on his face, Keith looked back at Allura, "Just passing it around so you don't have to wait on us."

"I told you, it's my pleasure."

She set another plate in front of him. Keith tried not to shudder as he stared at it. The princess moved around the room, handing out plates of cake to the rest of the men. They all stared at the plates like you would a snake waiting to strike, afraid it would bite them.

Allura took her seat again and noticed the lack of forks in their hands, "Aren't you going to eat your cake?"

Why didn't he plant a fist in Lance's mouth and decline the birthday party? What the hell was he thinking? Why couldn't the castle alarms go off? This would be the perfect time for Lotor to attack. Anything to keep him from having to eat that cake. Keith picked up his fork and stared at the concoction. Could he get away with a tiny bite? He forked into the corner, lifted the tiny morsel up to his quivering lips, and then paused when he spotted the others watching him. He arched an expectant eyebrow at them and waited until they all picked up their forks.

"Well?"

Allura stared at him with shining blue eyes that reminded him of a child at Christmas, just waiting to open their gifts. His hand shook as Keith forced the fork into his mouth. Only his training kept him from spitting it back out, but barely. Christ, she mixed up the salt and sugar again. Instead of butter, she must have used lard. The flavor of the bitter cocoa made him want to cry.

As he tried to chew, Keith was reminded of glue. The congealed mess stuck to the roof of his mouth, teeth, and tongue. A glance around the table showed the others were having similar problems. It reminded him of a cow chewing cud. He kept chewing and swallowing until he managed to clear his mouth.

"Good, isn't it?"

Keith turned to Allura's beaming smile and didn't have the heart to tell her he wished a robeast would attack and end his torment. He nodded to her then faced his cake again. Maybe he could put his fork down and claim to be full.

"Aren't you going to eat all of it?"

That answered his question. Keith forked an even smaller bite and took a deep breath as he lifted it to his mouth. Maybe he could just swallow it without trying to chew. Kind of like taking a pill. The bite was small enough.

A second later, he regretted his choice as he coughed and tears streamed out of his eyes.

Allura pounded him on the back, "What happened?"

"It went down the wrong way," Keith managed to spit out while lifting his water glass to try to wash down the rest of the gooey mess.

"Poor Keith."

No kidding, poor Keith. What the hell had he done to deserve this? Keith set the fork down. Maybe after the coughing fit, she'd take pity on him.

"Don't you want any more?"

His luck was holding. Keith forced another cough out and said, "Just trying to settle." He finally noticed her lack of a plate. She won't even eat her own cake. Maybe if she realized how bad it was… He can't stop himself from blurting out, "Aren't you going to have a slice? You went through all that work."

"I can't." Allura's bottom lip came out in a pout, "I've been eating too much lately. Nanny made a comment tonight about it becoming difficult to pull the zipper up. It's not fair. I wanted some."

Nanny, that evil bitch. She did that to spare Allura the humiliation of realizing how bad of a cook she was, but couldn't take pity on the rest of them by switching out the cake when Allura wasn't looking.

"Please, for me, I want to watch you enjoy the cake."

Enjoy? She'd watch him die one bite at a time. Keith's gaze moved around the table again. He spotted Pidge dropping bites off his fork into the napkin in his lap. Lance was destroying the slice on his plate between bites into a crumbled mess. Hunk was powering through, trying to get it over with as fast as possible.

Damn it, Coran could have pulled the fire alarm on his way out and spared them all.

He picked up his fork, and decided to try Hunk's method, slicing off a bigger piece. Bite after torturous bite with copious amounts of water in between until gone. His stomach was already hurting as Keith stared down at the remaining crumbs on his plate. He swallowed hard in an effort to keep everything down.

"Hunk, would you like another slice?"

Keith looked up in time to see Hunk wince. He masked it then said, "No Princess, my uniform is too tight. I have to cut back."

"You too?"

Lucky man. At least he had an excuse not to endure any more torture, and it wasn't even a lie. The princess' gaze moved around the table, "Anyone else want more?"

A resounding negative with various excuses drowning each other out. Her gaze moved to the musicians, "Would any of you like some? You can certainly take a break."

The music continued with a few bad notes, and only the cellist shook her head.

Allura sighed then stood, "I suppose it's time for you to open gifts."

Open gifts? All he wanted to do was go to bed and die in peace, to hell with the gifts. Allura collected his plate as well as the others and pushed the cart close to the kitchen door. She stopped at the edge of the table and her gaze searched the room, "Did I forget your gift in my room?"

She moved over to the side table and examined the contents, "Huh? I could have sworn I brought it in earlier. I'll be right back."

As soon as she was out of the room, Lance moaned, "Someone shoot me now."

"Lance-" Keith started then paused as stomach acid crept up his throat to choke him. After he took another drink of water, he finished, "Tomorrow, if I'm not already dead, I'll gladly shoot you."

"Do it now."

"Hell no, you deserve to suffer with the rest of us."

"Yeah, Lance. Don't you dare tell her when my birthday is," Pidge said.

"What are you whining about, pipsqueak? I saw you dump most of your cake into your napkin."

"Yours looked like a two-year-old was eating it."

As the men continued to argue, Keith closed his eyes and tried not to groan. His stomach rumbled and threatened to dump the contents of his dinner back onto the table. What he wouldn't give for a bottle of antacids right about then. That would be a great birthday gift.

"How silly of me," Allura said as she entered the room carrying a wrapped gift, "I left it on my bed."

The men sat up and smiled at her as if they weren't about to kill each other a moment before. She sat down in her chair beside Keith and handed him the gift, "Happy birthday."

It was too big to be a bottle of antacids. His luck hadn't gotten any better. He eyed the package and forced himself to sit up in his chair. He reached for it and tried to find an opening without going crazy and tearing the paper to shreds.

Slow about it as his stomach gurgled, Keith worked the paper free and set it aside. He lifted up the leather-bound book and glanced at the title, "The Count of Monte Cristo."

A book about a jailbreak…how ironic and fitting. He still half hoped for the alarm to go off.

"Do you like it?" Allura asked. "It took forever to get it here from Earth. I've been holding it for just the right occasion. I asked Sven about classic Terran literature and he made some suggestions."

Good old Sven. Keith forced a smile on his face, "Thank you, Princess. I'll treasure it always."

Pidge rose from his chair and brought a package over, "I was hiding it under the table. This is from the rest of us."

He opened the package and took out an ancient and worn book, "The Art of War."

"Not that you haven't already read it a half million times," Lance said with a swinging gesture of his hand, "But this copy was owned by George Patton."

"Supposedly," Hunk mumbled.

"It's great guys, thanks," Keith said before the argument could erupt.

The room fell silent with the men settled back in their chairs. A look around the room told Keith he wasn't the only one suffering the aftereffects of eating that cake. Hunk looked positively green. He felt Hunk's pain. His stomach lurched and a gas bubble started to build and sink. Damn, just what he didn't need.

"What is wrong with all of you?" Allura glared at the others as the silence continued, "It's Keith's birthday, yet you all look half asleep."

Lance stood, "It's been a long day, Princess. I think I'm going to call it a night."

"Yeah, me too," Hunk seconded as he also stood.

Pidge offered them a weak smile then followed the other two out of the room. The musicians finished their song then rose to their feet as their leader bowed to Allura and Keith, "We'll call it a night as well. Happy birthday, Commander."

He waved a hand to them because he no longer trusted opening his mouth. He remained silent as they picked up their instruments and left the room. Time to go and die in peace. Keith pushed himself up and nodded to Allura.

She rose as well and placed a hand on his arm to stop him, "Do you want to dance? I can ask for the musicians to return."

If his stomach wasn't already twisting in knots, Keith would have bowed to those pleading blue eyes. As he feared opening his mouth and spewing out his dinner, he kept it closed. He didn't dare bow, since he half expected something else might blow. He shook his head and managed to mumble, "Don't feel good."

"Oh, poor Keith. And on your birthday. Was it the stew?"

No, it was the cake. Even if he could open his mouth, Keith would never admit to that. He would never hurt Allura like that, even if he would spend the rest of his birthday sitting on a toilet and praying for death.

She pulled him into her arms and hugged him. Keith inhaled her perfume tried not to groan. It was both his dream and nightmare, all at the same time. He returned the hug while he tried to keep the churning gas in his gut from spewing out and ruining the moment. Hell, if she squeezed him any harder, he might embarrass himself beyond all redemption.

Keith pulled back, forcing Allura to release him. Before he could walk away, she grabbed his cheek, "Have a happy birthday, Keith."

Her fingers glided back and forth, caressing him. The bile rose in his throat, threatening to choke him. Keith was ready to pull away and run for it but stopped when Allura leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the lips.

She pulled away just as quick and headed for the door, "Good night, Keith."

Stunned, he forgot about everything else as he muttered to the closing door, "Good night." The gas escaped, echoing in the room and filling his underwear.

"Oh shit…"

The end.


End file.
